| | I have to laugh at how irregular my posts have been over
the last year. I chuckle because my "blog life" is actually a
pretty good representation of the last year or two of my life.
Nothing about my life has been extremely reliable and I'm sure I've
offended some with my inconsistency in maintaining relationships with
others, serving in ministry, and growing spiritually.
I spent several years of high school and one or two of
college feeling quite good about my spirituality, my influence on
others, and my relationships. I don't feel so great about any of the
three anymore. I'm not entirely sure what's different, but I
think it's more a change in my perception of myself than any personal
changes.
Life is weird when you realize that you have problems.
As a homeschooler, I grew up as a part of a very small
world in which it was easy for me to shine... I didn't have a whole lot
of competition, so I always perceived myself as a pretty special
guy. (I guess the correct answer is that I am a pretty special guy because God made me that way... but you get my drift).
And now I'm a little (4.12 on a scale of 1-10)
bewildered. What do you do when you honestly can't say that
you are (or have ever been) a good inflence on others? What happens
when you fail to maintain your most valued relationships? Where
should you go when you feel more spiritual death than adventure?
That's what I'm feeling - that I don't own the world
anymore. Everything is out of my hands and the greatest amount of
energy I can muster fails to change anything significant. Reality bites?
I'm quite deflated but not depressed... my sense is
that I'm slowly finding my way out of an illusion which will certainly
bring clarity not only to my relationship to the world but my walk with
God.
I hope to post some thoughts in the near future
regarding "Getting through your problems to finding God" by Larry
Crabb. An excellent read.
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| | Posted 6/10/2007 9:35 PM - 36 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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